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Xena Disclaimers

SEASON ONE:

"Cradle Of Hope"
No Babies were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"Prometheus"
Iolaus was harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, the Green Egg Men went on to live long and prosperous lives.

"Death In Chains"
No Jumbo Sized Cocktail Rats were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"Hooves & Harlots"
No Males, Centaurs or Amazons were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"Bware Greeks Bearing Gifts"
No Oversized Polynesian-style Bamboo Horses were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, many wicker lawn chairs gave their lives.

"Athens City Academy Of Performing Bards"
The producers would like to acknowledge and pay tribute to Stanley Kubrick, Kirk Douglas and all those who were involved with the making of the film classic "SPARTACUS."

"A Fistful Of Dinars"
No Ambrosia was Spilled, Spoiled or in any way harmed during the production of this motion picture. (Thanks to the indefinite shelf life of marshmallows.)

"Warrior . . . Princess"
Neither Xena nor her remarkably coincidental identical twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"Mortal Beloved"
No Winged Harpies were harmed or sent to a fiery grave during the production of this motion picture.

"The Royal Couple Of Thieves"
No Ancient and Inflexible Rules governing moral behavior were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"The Prodigal"
Meleager the Mighty, the generally Tipsy and Carousing Warrior-For-Hire, was not harmed during the production of this motion.

Altared States"
No Unrelenting or Severely Punishing Deities were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"Ties That Bind"
No Fathers, Spiritual or Biological, were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"The Greater Good"
Excessive belching can cause brain damage and social ostracism. Kids, please don't give in to peer pressure. Play it safe.

"Callisto"
Joxer's nose was not harmed or mutilated during the production of this motion picture. However, his crossbow was severely damaged.

"Death Mask"
No messenger doves were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"Is There A Doctor In The House?"
Being that war is hell, lots of people were harmed during the production of this motion picture (but since television is a dramatic medium of make believe, all casualties removed their prosthetic make-up and went home unscathed).




SEASON TWO:

"Orphan Of War"
No Sleazy Warlords who deem it necessary to drink magic elixirs that turn them into scaly centaurs were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"Remember Nothing"
Xena’s memory was not damaged or... what was I saying?

"The Giant Killer"
No Bible myths or icons were irreparably mangled during the production of this motion picture.

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
No Bloodsucking Bacchae were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, a few Driads lost their heads.

"Return Of Callisto"
Although Xena finally conquered her dark nemesis Callisto, it took her weeks to get the sand out of her leather unmentionables.

"Warrior . . . Princess . . . Tramp"
Neither Xena nor her remarkably coincidental identical twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this motion picture. Meg, however, suffered minor injuries while preparing Aardvark nuggets for King Lias.

"Intimate Stranger"
Argo was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, she is undergoing intensive psychotherapy to help her work through her resentment and feelings of distrust toward Xena.

"Ten Little Warlords"
No one was harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Xena's ability to recover her body was severely impeded by Lucy Lawless' unexpected mishap.

"A Solstice Carol"
Senticles was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, several chimney are in dire need of repair.

"The Xena Scrolls"
No Hollywood Producers were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"Here She Comes . . . Miss Amphipolis"
No ribbons were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, several experienced severe motion sickness.

"Destiny"
Julius Caesar was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However the Producers deny responsibility for any unfortunate acts of betrayal occurring soon thereafter.

"The Quest"
Xena's body was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, it took weeks for Autolycus to get his swagger back.

"A Necessary Evil"
The reputation of the Amazon Nation was not harmed despite Velasca's overly radical adherence to an otherwise valid belief system.

"A Day In The Life"
No Slippery Eels were harmed during the production of this motion picture despite their reputation as a fine delicacy in select cultures of the known world.

"For Him The Bell Tolls"
The producers wish to acknowledge the inspiration of Danny Kaye and pay tribute to the classic motion picture "Court Jester."

"The Execution"
By popular demand "The Executioner" will bring back his comfortable lightweight cotton-flax blend robe in a variety of spring colors.

"Blind Faith"
Once again, Gabrielle's luck with men was harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"Ulysses"
Despite Gabrielle's incessant hurling, Ulysses’ ship was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"The Price"
To show sympathy for the Horde, "kaltaka" was only served upon request during the production of this motion picture.

"Lost Mariner"
Cecrops' "Joie de Vivre" was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"A Comedy Of Eros"
No Cherries were harmed during the production of this motion picture.




SEASON THREE:

"The Furies"
Xena's sanity was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. The Furies, however, will be opening their own lap-dancing variety show off-off-off Broadway soon.

"Been There, Done That"
The rooster was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. Although his feather were severely ruffled, a little gel and mousse straightened out of the mess.

"The Dirty Half Dozen"
No Convicts were reformed during the production of this motion picture. Can't we all just get along?

"The Deliverer"
Gabrielle was slightly well-done during the production of this motion picture. However, the producers would like to recommend a zesty barbecue sauce to bring out the full flavor of the episode.

"Gabrielle's Hope"
Despite witnessing the bizarre and somewhat disturbing birth of Gabrielle's Hope, no farm animals were harmed or traumatized during the production of this motion picture.

"The Debt - Part I"
No Frock Tarts were killed during the production of this motion picture although they wish they had been.

"The Debt - Part II"
Xena and Gabrielle's relationship suffered another blow (although Gabrielle doesn't know it yet) during the production of this motion picture.

"The King Of Assassins"
Due to the infliction of a severe wedgie, Joxer was slightly uncomfortable but not seriously harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"Warrior . . . Priestess . . . Tramp"
Despite another Xena look-alike, the gene pool (or rather the gene puddle) was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"The Quill Is Mightier . . ."
No naked Gabrielles were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"Maternal Instincts"
Xena and Gabrielle's relationship was harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"The Bitter Suite"
The musical genre was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. In fact, the Producers sincerely hope you we A-MUSE-D by this episode.

"One Against An Army"
Gabrielle's ankle was harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"Forgiven"
No street-talking, cat-fighting, barroom-brawling Juvenile Delinquents were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"King Con"
No Con Men were conned during the production of this motion picture.

"When In Rome..."
Caesar's Palace was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Crassus and the gladiators went down for the count.

"Forget Me Not"
Xena and Joxer were not forgotten during the production of this motion picture.

"Fins, Femmes & Gems"
Joxer's dignity was slightly harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Gabrielle's pink nightie was restored to its original condition.

"Tsunami"
No Cast or Crew were singing "Tanks for the Memories" during the production of this motion picture. However, the phrase "Strike the Set" was given new meaning.

"Vanishing Act"
Upon completion of the filming of this episode, Autolycus' Scuba Gear was placed on display at the Athens Diving Institute for the education and enjoyment of future generations to come.

"Sacrifice - Part I"
No Pulsing Cocoons were hatched during the production of this motion picture. What you witnessed was purely a reenactment.

"Sacrifice - Part II"
Gabrielle finally went off the deep end during the production of this motion picture.




SEASON FOUR:

"Adventures In The Sin Trade I"
No Dead Amazons lost their lives during the production of this motion picture.

"Adventures In The Sin Trade II"
Xena's search for Gabrielle was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"A Family Affair"
No Spiked-Skinned, Beast-Like, Incredibly Hungry offspring who can’t stand the sun were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"In Sickness And In Hell"
No Leapin' Lice were beaten, whipped, smashed or scratched during the production of this motion picture.

"A Good Day"
No Permanent Battle Scars were inflicted during production of this motion picture.

"A Tale Of Two Muses"
No Self-Righteous Magistrates intent on suppressing the basic human right of freedom of expression were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"Locked Up And Tied Down"
No Rabid Flesh-Eating Crabs were cooked during the production of this motion picture.

"Crusader"
Xena's Best Chewing Tooth was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"Past Imperfect"
Borias' goose was cooked during the production of this motion picture.

"Key To The Kingdom"
No Priceless Porkers, of either organic or ceramic origin, were harmed during the filming of this motion picture.

"Daughter Of Pomira"
No Blonde-Haired, Blue-Eyed Horde girls or their extended families were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"If The Shoe Fits"
No fractured fables were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

"Paradise Found"
Paradise was found but not necessarily embraced during the production of this motion picture.

"Devi"
In Memory of Women's Best Friend: Bear, Dodger, Kali, Samantha, Taffy, Bear.

"Between The Lines"
Xena's Chakram got Gabrielle by the short hairs during the production of this motion picture.

"The Way"
Any similarity between Hanuman and a major character in the motion picture classic "Planet Of The Apes" is purely coincidental.

"The Play's The Thing"
Although no great literary works of art were harmed or plagiarized, a few thespians stole some scenes during the production of this motion picture.

"The Convert"
Argo's gastrointestinal condition was cleared up upon completion of this motion picture.

"Takes One To Know One"
Argo was once again proven innocent during the production of this motion picture.

"Endgame"
Pompey's reign came to a head during the production of this motion picture.

"The Ides Of March"
Xena and Gabrielle were killed during the production of this motion picture.

"Deja Vu All Over Again"
No Sword-Wielding, Card-Playing, Therapy-Seeking French Freedom Fighters were deflowered during the production of this motion picture; However, rumors of Custer and Pocahontas remain unconfirmed.